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In this fifth episode of Wellness Wednesday, Beth Gustin, LPC and Robin Ennis, LCSW, CPC, talk about Bullying and how one can ask for help and offer some coping strategies.
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Beth Gustin, LPC, NCC, EMDRIA Approved Consultant, CAGCS, PLGS
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Full Transcript
Jeff:
From the Blind Abilities studios, it’s Wellness Wednesday with your hosts, Beth Gustin and Robin Ennis.
Robin:
Welcome to Wellness Wednesday. My name is Robin Ennis. I am a licensed clinical social worker in Colorado, and I am here with Beth Gustin.
Beth:
Yes, I am Beth Gustin. I’m a licensed professional counselor also in Colorado, and happy to be here. And today’s topic is bullying. Not bulling but bullying.
Robin:
Bullying occurs in all aspects of life. It’s not just limited to school, but it can also be in a workplace. Today we’re gonna talk about school bullying, and then next time around we’ll dive into workplace bullying. Bullying is different from harassment. I know it gets used interchangeably, but bullying is unfortunately not illegal, whereas harassment is illegal. Harassment is aggressive behavior in terms of a protected class. So, I just wanted to distinguish that, how it’s different from bullying. Did you have anything to add about that, Beth, or do you agree with that?
Beth:
I was gonna say the exact same thing, so I’m glad you brought it up and I think it’s good to lead with that because I think that one major distinction can be what can make bullying a lot more challenging to work with. And I ran across some articles that distinguish between different types of bullying. Different types of bullies, I should say, and kind of knowing which type of bully you might be dealing with can be helpful in how you cope with it or address it. And that might be a little more fitting for the workplace bullying conversation than being bullied at school. I think a lot of the coping skills can be the same, but before we get there, I just wanna acknowledge it feels horrible. And I think there’s a sense of powerlessness, no matter how old we are, if we’re in grade school up to high school, it can make us feel really helpless and powerless.
Robin:
Right. I would define bullying as ongoing aggressive or intimidating behavior. Like you mentioned, Beth, it can make you feel powerless. And so, people who engage in bullying, I feel that they pick on people that they feel are more vulnerable.
Beth:
Yeah.
Robin:
That makes them feel more powerful if they know that they can pick on somebody on that basis. And so, there are different types of bullying that can occur. It can be either physical, verbal, or social. Those are the three main types. And so physical, you know, it’s like punching, kicking, spitting, whatever it may be, causing you physical bodily harm. Verbal can be insults or taunting, any type of hurtful words. And social is that isolation piece of it, making you feel alienated, not a part of the group, and that can be a really lonely feeling.
Beth:
An example I think of is being picked last on a team. You know, for example, if you are in gym class or having the gym class always pick on you or-
Robin:
Mm-hmm.
Beth:
There’s a meme on Facebook going around right now. It’s supposed to be funny, but it says, hey, we’re gonna play dodgeball. If you play your cards right, you can make the kid in class cry that everybody picks on. It’s not funny if you’re the kid that was bullied.
Robin:
Great.
Beth:
Yep. I saw a lot of bullying in PE class growing up.
Robin:
Yeah.
Beth:
I think it’s easier, unfortunately, to pick on people when we’re engaged in more active pursuits or sports or things like that, or it can happen in the classroom too, academically speaking, but I saw it a lot in PE class.
Robin:
Yeah. I actually resonated, that’s a great example with what you said is that- so I was always the last person picked in PE, so I despised going to PE for that fact. And bullying resonates for me because on a personal level, because I was bullied in the sixth grade, but also too, because a lot of my clients, quite a few of them were bullied when they were younger. Although it happens in childhood, it doesn’t- you know, people can carry it with them for a lifetime. They say that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can last a lifetime. I truly believe that ‘cause there’s a lot of clients that I have who are still trying to come to terms with things that they faced when they were younger and believing that they’re inadequate because of what they were told by their peers. It’s definitely a lot and I think that’s a great example that you gave about the social isolation piece of it. You mentioned the meme and so there’s a, it’s kind of an exaggerated example, but the movie Mean Girls, I believe, the depiction of bullying and-
Beth:
True, yeah.
Robin:
One of my clients really likes that movie and she uses it to illustrate what she’s going through with her neighbor. And I just think, you know, if you want a good example of bullying, you know that- in terms of movies, that could be a good one, but also too, on HBO Max, there’s a documentary, I can’t recall the title, but it’s about bullying as well. And so those are two just good examples to look to. In terms of what to do about it, from my standpoint, the first thing is recognizing bullying when it occurs, because bullying is not only the bully themselves and the person being bullied, but it’s also people who are witnessing bullying, whether it be peers or teachers, so when you see something, really speak up and if you don’t feel comfortable, try and figure out channels that you can go to. Like Safe to Tell. That’s one place to go to. There’s a website called stopbullying.gov that lists some resources to be able to help people recognize bullying and to stop it so that it won’t keep festering and causing more people to face that level of treatment.
Beth:
And one thing to add to that, if- you know, this sounds harsh, but if you see bullying and don’t do anything, in a way, you’re saying it’s okay, and that can send a message to the person being bullied that you’re backing up the bully.
Robin:
Right.
Beth:
I agree with Robin, I strongly encourage you to say something, and I know especially if you’re, you know, a younger kid or you have younger kids, it can be hard to speak up. And so, one thing I encourage my clients, I work with adults, but I encourage my clients who are parents, do what you can to create a safe environment at home, so your children feel comfortable coming to you. And I know nobody wants their mom calling the principal or dad calling the principal, but someone has to speak up.
Robin:
Yeah.
Beth:
And if the child can’t do it themselves, then mom and dad have to be the ones to speak up on their behalf.
Robin:
Right.
Beth:
Because if bullying goes un-dealt with, it can have a lot of really negative, dire consequences like suicide, unfortunately, you know, going to the extreme here, but it can go that far. Depression, isolation, anxiety, school-phobia, there’s a lot of ways it can show itself if it’s not addressed.
Robin:
And understandably so, right? So, if you’re in a situation, an ongoing situation, especially when you’re younger and you feel like you don’t have any say or any control, situations can look very dire. If you feel like you have to face something over and over again, it feels like there’s no escape. especially the younger generation, you know, life can be hard, and life can seem like an eternity. When you’re younger it just seems like time goes by slow. So, if you’re facing a situation of aggressive behavior, you’re gonna think that there’s never gonna be an end. I agree, suicide, it’s high among teens. It’s the second leading cause of death among that age group because again, they don’t feel like there’s a way out. So, they really need some rallying and some support. That’s very crucial and important.
Beth:
And that’ll be a topic we address in a future podcast, as far as, you know, what to look for and prevention and things like that. But you know, again, I agree with Robin, that is the extreme to where bullying can lead, and there’s always another way out. There’s always another way out. But in those moments, that’s not how that person feels. They don’t see it.
Robin:
Trying to provide that safe environment for them to feel comfortable in talking to you about their feelings, allowing them to vent, and have that opportunity can be very helpful. It can make them feel like they’re being heard. Having that outlet is crucial and you can help provide some reasoning for them when you’re hearing them, whatever they’re going through. Again, when you’re stuck in that place, it’s hard to look beyond that. When I look back at my 11-year-old self, I dreaded going to school. I had butterflies in my stomach. I would just try and pretend that I was sick or, you know, whatever it may be, so that I wouldn’t have to go. Looking back at my 11-year-old self now, you know, I completely get it. When I went to a conference for my medical condition, I had an individual come up to me and he had mentioned, he was 12 at the time, and he had a twin sister. He said, you know, it’s just not fair. How come I had to be sick? How come I have to be the one being bullied? She doesn’t have to face that. And in that moment, I sat there, and I listened to him, and I was like, you know, you may not believe it, but when you get older, those people, it is my hope that those bullies will realize the error of their ways, that they will realize that the way that they treated you was not okay. And I shared a story with him that happened to me, is after I left that school where I was bullied in the sixth grade, 20-something years later, one of those individuals in that class reached out to me through a blog. Granted, I had not talked to anybody since then. He had mentioned that he thought about me throughout the years, and now that him and his wife were planning on having children, it made him stop and think and feel bad the way that he treated me in the sixth grade. So, helping share that perspective to children, that can kind of help them move forward and cope with their present circumstances, that it’s not permanent and that it’s not about them, it’s more so about the bully, and when they get older, they’ll be able to see the error of their ways.
Beth:
I appreciate you sharing that, Robin. When I think about the bully, I wonder about what they’re going through at home, what’s happening in their life that’s causing them to need to bully, because their life isn’t good either. And I’m not excusing their behavior, I’m not justifying it, but I think looking at it from the other side of like, what is going on in this person’s life that makes them feel the need to hurt someone else to feel powerful?
Robin:
They’re feeling pain.
Beth:
Yeah. I was shopping at a store a few years back and a high school friend of mine came up and he’s like, hey, it’s so-and-so, and I just wanna apologize for the way I treated your friend in high school. And this was like 20 years after the fact or a little more, and that meant so much. This person was a really cool guy, but it was nice to hear that he’d kind of seen what he had done wasn’t okay. And that we had the chance to have that conversation and make amends.
Robin:
Yeah, I agree. And it is very nice to hear that. That action can go a long way, ‘cause again, as I mentioned before, words can leave such a big impact on somebody. And so, the fact, Beth, that that individual came up to you, that was just very commendable on his part to recognize, you know, what he did. And even with the person with me as well, right? So not chalking it up as a childhood experience or children just being children but recognizing that it was wrong.
Beth:
Right.
Robin:
I’m glad you mentioned that about the bully too, because when people are inflicting pain on somebody else, it really is a reflection of themselves and what they’re going through. They’re feeling pain, so they want people to feel pain too. It’s like misery loves company.
Beth:
Right, right.
Robin:
Yeah.
Beth:
Well, is there anything else we should add on this episode of bullying?
Robin:
I just wanna mention a few coping strategies. You know, again, just going back, if you’re being bullied yourself, really branch out and talk to somebody. Find that trusted confidant, whether it be Safe to Tell on that website, or a teacher, a friend, a parent, a sibling, just know that you’re not alone and trying to find- or even a therapist, I’m just trying to find somebody that you feel comfortable talking to. Journaling, getting out what you’re feeling, that can be helpful. For me, my go to is, and I think I’ve mentioned this before, is music. Listening to a favorite song, the song that makes you feel less alone. ‘Because I do feel that music has a way of speaking to you. Just trying to find that coping strategy and know that you can make it through, and it may not seem like it, but no circumstance is permanent.
Beth:
Right. It will change. It will get better.
Robin:
Yes.
Beth:
Well, thank you again everyone for joining us on this episode of Wellness Wednesday, and again, next week we’ll be talking about bullying in the workplace and some different strategies to hopefully reduce that, so it does not happen if it’s happening to you.
Robin:
Exactly. And as always, we invite you to participate. Feel free to call in or email or on the Blind Abilities Facebook page comment on the post. We wanna hear from you about today’s topics or past topics, or if you have any ideas on what you wanted to hear from us in future episodes. Otherwise, take care.
Jeff:
And you can send Beth and Robin a message at 612-367-6093, or by email at info@blindabilities.com. They’d love to hear from you.
[Music] [Transition noise] -When we share
-What we see
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[Multiple voices overlapping, in unison, to form a single sentence]
…We can then begin to bridge the gap between the limited expectations, and the realities of Blind Abilities.