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Podcast Summary:
In this fourth episode of Wellness Wednesday, Beth Gustin, LPC and Robin Ennis, LCSW, CPC, talk about Guilt and how one can acknowledge guilt for what it is, how to make amends, how to give guilt a voice and how to let it go.
Show Hosts:
Robin Ennis on the web at www.robinennislcsw.com
Beth Gustin, LPC, NCC, EMDRIA Approved Consultant, CAGCS, PLGS
Www.transitioningthroughchange.com
You can message Beth and Robin by calling 612-367-6093 or by email. They are looking forward to hearing from you!
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Full Transcript
Jeff:
From the Blind Abilities studios, it’s Wellness Wednesday, with your hosts Beth Gustin and Robin Ennis.
Robin:
Welcome to Wellness Wednesday. My name is Robin Ennis, and I am here with my co-partner, facilitator, Beth Gustin, and we are going to talk about guilt. So we are leading off of our last podcast surrounding shame, so as we mentioned before, there’s a difference between shame and guilt, and so today we’re gonna define guilt.
Beth:
Yes, and there are different types of guilt, and so I think it makes sense to start with the different types of guilt and then kind of per our usual format, we’ll talk about some ways to work with the guilt and try to lessen the guilt. So most of us are familiar with a concept called survivor’s guilt. We see this a lot in working with clients who are experiencing grief, whether it’s someone maybe survived a car accident and a loved one did not, or a natural disaster or a traumatic event, if one sibling experienced abuse and one did not, you know, things like that, we see survivors guilt, and that is basically guilt where one person didn’t experience or have the same outcome as the other person, and they feel like they should have maybe experienced the same thing, or they feel like there’s something they could have done to prevent the event. And I’m gonna back up one quick second, and I wanna define guilt as a whole. So last week we defined shame as there is something wrong with me. Guilt is I’ve done something wrong. I did something or didn’t do something, I said or didn’t say something that I should have said or shouldn’t have said, and I feel guilty and want to make amends or want to make it right.
Robin:
Yeah. What my perception is that with guilt, there’s always a way that you can quote, unquote try and fix it. Whereas shame, it feels like you can’t fix it because it’s something wrong with you. You are the root problem. The guilt there is trying to find ways to rectify it.
Beth:
I agree with that and I think that’s where it gets a little bit tricky, because with guilt we feel like there is something we can do to fix it, but sometimes there isn’t anything we can do to fix it.
Robin:
Yep. I agree. And so, you know, speaking of, you know, natural disasters is the fires in Louisville, I have a client who lives in that area, and so their home wasn’t impacted by the fires, but they had that survivor’s guilt and so they felt bad because all of their friends’ homes were impacted, and so one way that they tried to rectify that guilt was to give back by donating items or financially. And so I think that that could, you know, it’s a good thing that they wanna give back but then also too, it can be a double edged sword, right? Because you can do certain things, but to what extent? And sometimes you may feel like you’re not doing enough, when in actuality you are, or you don’t even really need to in terms of, just because you survive, you shouldn’t feel like you have to give back in that way.
Beth:
I agree with that a hundred percent. And this leads to another type of guilt in a sense, and so there are what’s called false guilt or unmerited guilt versus, I guess you could say, true guilt or merited guilt. So unmerited or false guilt is situations where you didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t cause the event, but you feel like you did.
Robin:
Yeah.
Beth:
Versus true guilt or merited guilt where it’s like yeah, you did do something that caused the event, and hopefully you can do something to fix it. And this gets tricky and this gets really hard, I have a lot of clients experiencing different types of guilt in a lot of the grief and loss work that I do. And most of the time, no matter what type of guilt we’re experiencing, we can’t change the outcome. And most of the time we didn’t cause the outcome. So I will occasionally see, I do a lot of work with pet loss grief as well as human death loss grief. And in pet loss grief, I will often see clients who might have left the gate open and their dog got out. I have- okay, that is merited guilt, because unfortunately the gate was left open, completely accidentally, it was not intentional, but that is an example of merited guilt in a sense, because if the gate hadn’t been left open, maybe the event would’ve been prevented.
Robin:
Right.
Beth:
That’s an example where that guilt can come into play, you know, versus unmerited or false guilt where, well, if I- I’m drawing a blank.
Robin:
Yeah, I think a caregiver, based upon that, and I have a client whose wife died of a long battle of an illness, and so there was that guilt of did I do everything that I could? I should have stayed home more often, or I should have done this to encourage her to be more proactive with her health.
Beth:
Yes.
Robin:
I think that a lot of caregivers do go through that false guilt.
Beth:
I agree. I wanna point out, we are using the word should a lot.
Robin:
Yes.
Beth:
Tonight. And I don’t like it when anyone shoulds on themselves, because should actually causes guilt.
Robin:
That’s true. Yeah. Yeah.
Beth:
Or can cause a sense of guilt. And so because it implies there’s something we could have done differently. So I just encourage, even as we’re having this conversation, to reduce the use of the word should when we can.
Robin:
Good point. That is very true. Or it creates false responsibility in the wrong place. So that’s definitely a mindful insight.
Beth:
So what do we do with all this guilt? Because it doesn’t feel good at all.
Robin:
Nope.
Beth:
And I think there’s a number of different things that we can do to work with the guilt and try to reduce it. Obviously, if you did do something that you can do something about, then make amends where you can. You know, make the apologies where you can, write the wrongs that you can, now that’s the key words, you can, because like I said, like we talked about, sometimes there’s nothing else we can do. And even if you could, it wouldn’t change anything. And so a huge piece of the work I do with clients is actually around self-forgiveness, and helping them work towards that self-compassion, self-forgiveness piece around, I did everything I could. This wasn’t my fault. And this does not happen in one session, I’ll tell you that right now. This is some harder, deeper work, but I think it is one of the better ways to help ourselves let go of guilt. And there’s a lot of ritual, I guess you would say, rituals that I recommend around letting go of guilt, because holding onto it doesn’t serve us.
Robin:
No, no. I also encourage people to recognize the feeling. Put a name to it. So if you are feeling guilt, okay, I’m feeling guilt because of this, to try and normalize it and know what you’re going through, that other people have gone through it, and trying to find the best way to navigate it versus pushing it down. You know, I know in terms of grief, guilt is definitely one of the stages that can help you be able to know where you are in that moment and knowing that, trying to not put that false expectation or that false belief that you are the only one navigating what you’re navigating, that can be helpful. I know it’s been helpful in terms of my own situations when I react to different losses.
Beth:
I think it’s also really important to talk to somebody about the guilt you’re experiencing. Being able to let somebody else know can just take a lot of pressure off yourself. And I am a huge fan of letter writing, even if you have nowhere to send the letter, I think writing about how you’re feeling and either keeping it if you want to, but I think it’s also more important to let it go, whether it’s burying it, burning it, sailing it down a river, tearing it up, whatever you choose to do. But finding some way to acknowledge it, give it a voice, and let it go.
Robin:
Yep. That’s my favorite one that I like to recommend to clients. One of my clients, she’s like, can I just mail it? I’ll feel better if I just mail it. I’m like, well, how about you just write it? ‘Cause again, grief can be in different areas of life, so it doesn’t have to be necessarily just a person who is deceased, but it could be the loss of a relationship or what may be, but yes, the getting it out so that it won’t be festered and stuck inside and you won’t be ruminating on it. I’ve found clients who find that very helpful, actually the letter writing. You can also talk out loud. It’s called the empty chair strategy, so pretending, whether it’s a person you’re having that type of guilt about, or feelings, pretending that they’re in that chair, or even, Beth, you mentioned a pet, so pretending that the pet is there, what would you say to that pet and trying to get out feelings that way, because pets definitely are a part of our family, so I get how that grief can definitely be very, very strong.
Beth:
Or talk to the picture if you’re able to see a picture. You talk to the picture, you know, talk in your head if you don’t have privacy and can’t talk out loud. I’ll go back for a second. As far as sending the letter that you’ve written, I definitely encourage clients to write it first, and then I encourage them to- I don’t need to hear the letter in session unless they wanna share it with me. But let’s talk about what you wrote, and then decide if sending it is really going to solve anything.
Robin:
Right? Yeah.
Beth:
Because oftentimes what I’ve experienced with my clients is they don’t need to send it once they’ve written it.
Robin:
That’s true.
Beth:
Yeah. They don’t feel that need anymore.
Robin:
Yeah. Those words don’t have the power over them.
Beth:
Right. Because what you’re doing, essentially, when you write something down or you talk it out, you talk to the person, you write to the person, you’re acknowledging what you’re feeling and you’re getting out of your head like I said earlier, and that- you take away the power, I think. You take away the emotion behind the words, and that’s really what needs to happen. That’s why therapists often suggest letter writing, because it is a good way to take away the power that those emotions and words are having over you.
Robin:
Right. Do you have any other ideas in terms of guilt?
Beth:
I don’t personally like this suggestion, but I’m gonna throw it out there ‘cause some people do. There are some people who find it helpful if they pick a date. Like- I’m going back to the grief and loss theme here ‘cause it’s what I specialize in, so that’s what I have the most experience with, but like the loved one’s birthday. And you’re gonna decide that as soon as that day comes, you are not gonna feel guilty anymore. And you kind of have like a no guilt deadline, essentially for yourself. And if you can stick with that, that’s great. That can help. I personally find that harder because sometimes different events in our life can trigger guilt to come back, but some do find that really helpful because it gives them kind of something to work towards as they’re working on working with their guilt.
Robin:
Right. And I’m glad you mentioned that, right? So guilt can come back, you know, it is a feeling just like any other emotion, and feeling it, it can come and go. The more that you resolve guilt and the more that you feel better, the less frequent it is, but there will be times when you’ll get triggered and it comes back, and that’s okay too, if that does happen, just re-engaging in those coping strategies to try and help you keep moving forward. And also too, realizing the level of expectation that you’re studying for yourself. Are you setting it too high? Is that why guilt is popping up? You know, being in tune with how you’re feeling as a person.
Beth:
I agree with that. And there’s one last thing I’d like to mention about guilt before we wrap up, and that is, I think it’s important to figure out what holding onto the guilt does for you. I think we tend to see, at least in my work, my clients will hold onto the guilt because if they let go of the guilt, they will somehow let go of the person, or they’re somehow maybe punishing themselves for something and so they hold onto that guilt because they feel like they deserve to feel miserable, or if I let go of the guilt, then I might have to feel more painful emotions that are harder to cope with. And so I think it’s important to be aware of how is the guilt serving you? Because it’s really not, but that’s not what we initially think about or acknowledge when we’re feeling guilt.
Robin:
Right? And to go off of that, I mean, that’s a really good point, Beth. And so I’ve been told too that pertaining to people, ‘cause I have a lot of clients who have unexpected loss, whether it’s due to death or chronic illness, or disability. And so I was told by another professional that people who tend to hold onto that guilt or blame, it’s a way of having control, right? So, in life, how if things seem like they’re powerless, and they can’t control what’s going on around them, the one thing that they can control is how they feel, or how they react to those circumstances. So turning that blame inward, that’s one thing that they can control, and so just trying to be mindful of that. Life can be scary, especially if you’ve had a lot of unexpected events occur. But try and think of some other ways to try and control what’s going on around you versus having that self-judgment or that blame or shame putting on you.
Beth:
When I work with clients around what they can control, I get really basic. So you can control what time you get up in the morning. You can control what you eat for breakfast, if you eat breakfast. You can control what you’re going to wear. So I mean, there’s a lot more within our control if we break it down to basics than we realize. And I think remembering what you can control actually helps you start to let go of the guilt, or at least start to look at why you’re holding onto it.
Robin:
Mm-hmm. I agree, and like Beth mentioned earlier, to help you navigate that, you can always reach out to a therapist, especially if you have insurance. You know, if you call the number on the back of your insurance card, they can help you find a provider, as well as psychologytoday.com, or there are crisis line options. You know, there’s a lot of options where you can have a listening ear. Some therapists will work on sliding fee scales as well, if you don’t have insurance. Just know that you’re not alone.
Beth:
There’s also therapyden.com and Open Pass Collective. Open Pass Collective is for affordable counseling for clients who need more affordable counseling. And if you just type in Google, if you’re looking for a therapist to work on guilt or depression or anxiety or grief, you can put in, you know, I don’t know what guilt counselor would show up in results with, but you could put in “something counseling near me,” for example, in Google, and that will pull up results as well.
Robin:
Yeah, exactly.
Beth:
And we are back again in October, so we will be back with episode 5.
Robin:
Yes, stay tuned for the topic, and again, if you have any ideas, let us know. I think I may have an idea, but I’ll wait. It’ll be a surprise.
Beth:
It’s, you know, the season of Halloween and we can do the trick or treat theme. It’s gonna be a treat, not a trick, we promise.
Robin:
Right, exactly. Until next time.
Jeff:
You can send Beth and Robin a message at 612-367-6093 or by email at info@blindabilities.com. They’d love to hear from you.
[Music] [Transition noise] -When we share
-What we see
-Through each other’s eyes…
[Multiple voices overlapping, in unison, to form a single sentence]
…We can then begin to bridge the gap between the limited expectations, and the realities of Blind Abilities.